Well this is the one blog that I am 100% dreading writing! Opening up about my biggest insecurity and flaw is not something I am entirely enthusiastic about. I am worried to get judged for it and I'm anxious people will think I am a Grade-A idiot. But, the time feels right now so here goes... *deep breath* ...
OCD. I remember sitting in the surgery 10 years ago when the doctor handed me a torn piece of paper with 3 handwritten letters on it. ‘That’s what you have’ he said to me with my mum sitting next to me. From that moment OCD became a very real part of my life. Slowly over the years it consumed my thoughts and my daily behaviours. It made every day a struggle, a challenge, a constant inner war with my own head. A battle between logic and fear!
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition whereby a person has obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours. This could be anything from having unwanted distressing thoughts to urgent compulsive behaviours caused from the feeling of temporary relief from great anxiety. It is a condition that can affect anyone at any stage of life. It is estimated that roughly 12 in every 1000 people in the UK are living with OCD at present. OCD can have a hugely negative impact on a persons life. In fact the World Health Organisation ranked OCD in the top ten most disabling illness of any kind in terms diminished quality of life. It can also be felt in different degrees. For me it is extreme!
Most people likely wont know where there OCD stems from, but I can pin point the exact day it started and the cause. I was in Primary 5 in my little Scottish school and some firemen had come in to talk to us about fire safety. We all sat on our tiny seats and listened to the brave men tell us about fire safety in the home. All was going well until we were made to watch a video. In this video, a fire broke out in a house, a house which looked very similar to my own. The family who lived inside consisted of a mum, dad, older sister, younger brother and a white fluffy dog, again all looked very similar to mine. In the video a fire started in the house, we watched the fire spread from room to room and one by one each family member lost their life to the smoke. The video wasn’t graphic or anything, but the simple fact that I could see my family in the family in the video changed my life forever!!
From that moment onward I became so incredibly paranoid about fire safety. I felt if I checked anything I deemed a fire hazard I would be able to prevent a fire occurring in my house. My intentions were out of love and protection but I became intoxicated in obsessive behaviours in the process. Obsessive behaviours which soon became completely and irrational, but 100% necessary for me to live life without constant fear.
I get so mad when people casually say they have OCD when referring to liking to keep their room tidy or liking their coloured pencils in order. That could be OCD but it is likely not. Those things are probably preference, chances are if your pencils arn't in order you can go about your daily routine as normal. OCD is much more. It is when if you dont put those pencils in order you believe something terrible will happen, you believe not doing that action will have a negative impact on something and you cant stop thinking about it until you reorder them! you become overwhelmed with a feeling of extreme anxiety which is only partially soothed when those pencils are in order. For example back in high School I called my mum 6 times a day to get reassurance that the hair straighteners were off. I would check my phone was off to the point I nearly broke it in half. I was constantly in fear that something terrible was going to occur but if I checked everything I could prevent it!!
Some 10 years on from it first starting my OCD has expanded. Every morning before I leave the flat I spend my time checking every appliance, moving things away from the side or removing things from certain spots that I deemed to be unsafe. This could be moving a tea towel of the radiator or moving and cup away from any plugs. I check once, I check twice, I check ten times. I still don’t believe its safe so I check again, I often cry as I leave my flat because of the uncertainty that I feel. I spend the tube to work in a constant state of panic, catastropising about everything that could be a potential hazard. I try to relax my nerves, but little helps. It only relaxes about 3 or 4 hours after I get into work, when I am usually distracted. However my OCD follows me here too.
at work, I am paranoid about leaving my phone charger plugged in or leaving my graphics pen on the table, I check the taps are off multiple times before I can leave the bathroom, I make sure nothing is touching my keyboard before I leave my desk at the end of the day. Even though there are hundreds of computers in the studio for some reason I believe if I check mine is safe then no harm will occur. You might think I don't know how ridiculous it sounds, but I do!!
Then at 5:45 it follows me home again. Even before bed, I have to follow the same routine as I do in the morning, checking appliances, locks and taps multiple times. I get into bed with my compulsions consuming my thoughts. ‘Did you turn of the kettle?' I know for a fact I did, I checked it twice, but yet I don’t feel settled. My mind says you better go check it or a fire will start. So I get out of bed and go and check it. It is off. I haven’t even used it today, I knew it was off. I get back into bed. Was it really off my mind tells me. Yes!!! I checked it, but still that is not enough! I spend a good hour or two battling to forget my thoughts and let me sleep. Annoyingly the less sleep I have the worse it gets. It is such a viscous cycle!!
Living with me is possibly the safest place to be on the planet, yet it comes with its difficulties. My OCD is completely irrational and I can totally see the stupidity in it. That is the thing that makes it so embarrassing. It makes NO sense!!! Yes I may be able to control elements but in the grand scheme a fire could start from anything. I could unplug everything possible in my flat but a fire could start in another flat in my building which I cant control. Funnily enough this did happen on a day when I was off ill from work. I had to call the fire brigade as I watched my building fill with smoke. Someone had left an oven on…I couldnt control that! I cant control if and when a fire will occur.
I have read every book under the sun on OCD and everything I've read makes sense. But I'm scared. They say to get over OCD you have to not do any of your compulsions, in fact you have to do the opposite. To overcome it, it would require me leaving my flat knowing I had left the kettle plugged in, the tap dripping and a phone charger on. Thinking about it alone is giving me heart palpitations. The stress would be a million times worse during the ‘overcoming’ and I don’t know if I have the inner strength to deal with it, but I know I wont overcome it unless I at least try! And I don't want to live this way forever!
OCD has become such a big part of my life that sometimes on weekends I cant bring myself to leave my flat. I hate this part of me, I hate the consumption and hold it has on me. I am forever appreciative of the people who have offered me love and support through it all. Please know if you are out there and you experience it too that you are not alone! Together we can overcome this, one thought at a time. Its time to stop letting your OCD control you and take the first step to recovery!
Until next week...
Kirsty x