TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse, trauma, PTSD
I suffer from PTSD. This has been a tough thing for me to admit, trauma has such a stigma around it, a lot of people dismiss it when they don't even know the fully story. My trauma was experienced when I was 14-15, I am now 20 and have only recently discovered the impact my trauma had on my life.
My trauma stemmed from an abusive relationship, I was young, naive and had low self esteem. I didn't know my worth, I didn't know what I deserved. I didn't love myself enough to know the red flags were dangerous.
Over the past year I have been in therapy, trying to figure myself out and working on coping mechanisms. I lost a lot of who I was over the year I was in that relationship, many of my passions disappeared, I lost my spark and hit a huge depression. I would always blame myself, "maybe if I didn't do that he wouldn't hurt me" I became an empty shell of a human trying to impress someone who didn't even respect my basic human needs.
Re discovering yourself after trauma is hard, its exhausting, its painful but it's the best decision I have ever made. One of most common responses to trauma is to push aside, black out or forget. Remembering is tough, but since being more open I've felt so much weight of my shoulders. I've gained comfort knowing I have the support of my friends if I'm having a bad day.
To a lot of people I am now doing "well". For the most part, I agree. I am healthy, I am confident (I was previously very introverted and anxiety struck) I am in my 3rd year of university predicted a First class honours. I am working towards being a Producer in the Games or VFX industry and I put a lot of passion into my studies.
I am proud of myself, I am reaching my goals.
However, its not all rainbows and sunshine, I'm still on my journey, discovering new ways to feel safe, discovering new limits and boundaries. For me my trauma shows through fear. I get panic attacks, flashbacks or freeze in some situations that remind me of my past experiences. It's taken 5 years of work but the severity of this has died down a lot.
After a Year of negativity the voices of that person become engrained in your head, for me this was the hardest part to overcome. I am now very big on positivity and mindfulness, checking in on my body, reminding myself that I'm doing ok and it's doing the best it can in the situation I'm in. It's so important to trust yourself, you are worth kindness, you are worth happiness, you are worth love, you are allowed friendships, you are allowed joy.
It's also very important to allow yourself a passion outside of your work. For the longest time art was my only passion, studying to work in the media industries as well as always working on personal art burnt me out, there was no real break for me.
This summer I started dancing again, a passion I lost during my abusive relationship, I stopped going to class because i didn't want people to see the marks on my body, I didn't feel pretty enough or skilled enough to learn the moves anymore.
5 years on I am nearly 6 months into training at a class called Heels and feels, the focus of this class is self love. We learn fun and a little sexy dance moves in a room surrounded by women cheering you on and helping you do your best. This class has honestly helped me so much to find an escape and find a way to stay active and healthy. Health starts in the mind, I leave class on such a confidence high that I take with me through the week till the Next class
"You cant love another till you learn to love yourself"
This is always such a difficult quote for me. You can be loved while struggling with your own mental image, you can be loved while hating yourself. However, loving yourself is so critical to knowing your worth, and in a low place it's very easy to end up in scary places.
Please if you have any concerns about someone in your life reach out to:
"24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247"
I have used this before, they can support you, keep you safe and protect you. You are not alone. You are strong. You are powerful. You will be safe.
For me my next goal is being able to reach out to other women who are struggling and offer them the shoulder that I needed when I was that scared young girl, blaming herself for something that wasn't her fault. Finding help was a very long journey for me and I would love to help make it easier for others.
You are worthy of happiness ♡ - Sapphire