The light in my life went out...

Laura's Story...

“Sometimes I stand in the hallway, in the dark when it’s silent and I like the way it hugs me. I don’t like looking in the mirror because it reminds me of her. The skin on my fingers is falling off but I won’t stop picking. Sometimes I even eat the skin. But don’t worry, I don’t bite my fingernails. Much better to have bloody, sore fingers than stubbly, broken nails…

I napped for 14 hours today. I guess that’s not really a nap. Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly stuck in that place where I know I need to get into the shower and I’ll feel better when I do eventually get in, but once I get in... I’ll need to get out again and that’s when the real work begins. And I fucking hate working.”  (Extract from Ebb and Flow © Laura Eleanor Paterson 2019)

Laura Paterson, 25 years old, Scotland

My name is Laura, I’m a woman, who is a daughter and a friend. I’m also a writer, an actor, and an animal lover – these are things that define me. But I’m going to tell you about the less polished version of myself because it’s easy to project an idea of perfection from afar and less easy to talk about the, well… the not so perfect…

I suffer from a mild mood swing disorder. I have spikes in energy, focus, elation and then mild to moderate depressive episodes; which don’t always mean I’m sad. Usually I’m irritated, tired, and unmotivated. These feelings cycle around week to week I’m just encouraged to lead a healthy lifestyle, sleep well, avoid alcohol, caffeine (Y’know, all the usual things that are easy to do on paper but less so to do in real life? Basically, what I’m saying is I don’t really do any of these things).

I struggle to manage my time which makes me feel like a bad friend and daughter. I try to balance two jobs, creative projects, my relationship, seeing my family, eating, sleeping, studying, appointments, friendships... and something always suffers, and I always feel guilty.

On top of this, I am also a competitive, creative perfectionist. When feeling unmotivated and irritable, I avoid being creative and this leads to feelings of unfulfillment, self-doubt, loss of confidence... and when I am creative, I feel like it’s never good enough because my competitive, perfectionist nature finds it hard to allow myself the small victories.

And also, my granny died…

Eleanor Bow, my granny, was in incredible woman who had a difficult and turbulent life. However, this didn’t in anyway dull her creativity, her passion or her humour. She was generous, loving and gentle. Eleanor Bow, my granny, held my hand and helped me find my way through the dark during the worst of my own struggles. She was the light in my life. My kindred spirit.

When she left, the light in my life went out… And my mind mood swing disorder? It’s become something very different. I suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks. Eczema, bruxism and a stomach ulcer. Chronic stress. The depressive episodes now last weeks and not days.

I reached a breaking point. Some people call it “crisis”. I think it would be very fair to say, that I was definitely in crisis. I recently ended up in hospital. And it was during this time I was faced to confront not only the dark inside me, but to notice that despite one light in my life going out, there are others (in many shapes and sizes!). I just had to let them in – which believe me, isn’t at all easy.

This story doesn’t have what you might call “a traditionally happy ending”. I still struggle every day. I’ve lost friends, ruined relationships and I have had to take time away from one of my jobs. I’m on medication - which is a trial in itself.

But what I do have is my family, my partner, and friends; some old and new. I have a job that I love, which has been a saving grace in more ways than one. I get to work with animals which has been a passion of mine since I was very young. I can’t emphasize enough how much regular contact with animals has changed my life for the better. I am studying something that I love and finally engaging my brain in a way that makes me feel fulfilled again.

For me, mental health is never just one thing. It’s everything. It’s the core of your wellbeing and when it’s off kilter, everything is.

I’m Laura and I struggle with my mental health on a daily basis. I’m Laura and I’m a fighter.